It’s Life

Have u ever had fleeting thoughts about what would happen if you no longer have that one person you love in your life? Amidst moments of bliss and smiles and suddenly it flashes in front of your eyes the emptyness that could be.

I have those split-second episodes sometimes. Like when you know with every cell of your being that what you’re having right now is the best thing ever, the best feeling ever, the best person ever…and then there it is — for a split-second, like hearing a pin drop in a silent room — “what if I lose all this?”

And as soon as that notion hit you, you start to shake. You can feel the tremor running through your spine. That feeling of helplessness, of utter loss, longing, and missing start to flow through your veins like poisonous venom…paralyzing you with fear. Have you ever felt that? Or maybe it’s just me.

I’m not saying that I go around with pain-painted bubble over my head all the time, but I just feel like there’s always that tiny microscopic chance that love can break apart even for the strongest, most stable relationships. And I find myself wondering — even for just a split-second — what would happen if it happens to me? How would I deal with it? How many days would it take to get dehydrated from excessive tear-glans production? How would I spend my sleepless nights? How sad would it be to miss someone and no longer be able to say it to that person?

I have realized that I don’t know how to respond the normal question of “So what’s your plan?” Because I don’t have the answer. I always thought — and answered — that I live for now. I live each day as it comes and the only planning I’m willing to do only goes as far as next weekend. I guess the reason is because I don’t wanna deal with the thought of such possibility about losing someone. I don’t wanna deal with it in such a frontal way. But not wanting to deal with it doesn’t mean it goes away. Subconsciously the thought has manifested itself through split-second episodes in the back of my head. And they show themselves unannounced, and uninvited. Internal Boogyman.

Strange. At the same time I deny thinking and planning of what might happen, I’m also an over-thinker. Maybe Boogyman comes knocking because underneath it all I’m trying to prepare myself for the worst by overly thinking and analyzing all aspects, outcomes, actions, reactions, risks, and results that might happen.

I have said to myself, “We’ll cross that bridge when we get there”. And I have also said to myself, “Make sure you have an airbag before you crash”. Either way, it doesn’t take the scare away. But I feel it my gut — not only in my heart — that as scary as it was, as scary as it is and as it will be, I have no regret. I might crash and burn. But I’ll know I have lived. Coz loving you is life.

Resting Flying Wings

Rabbit_by_Vajk

do you know the rabbit’s story?

of how she runs and hides when she feels weary

she goes under ground to feel warm and fuzzy

when things turn scary

usually it’s a starless sky

the rabbits sees not even a twinkle up high

all dark in the night

down from where the rabbit sleeps tight

I am a Mutt

I went to the shelter again today. Got paw prints, drools, and fur all over me. Definitely howlin’ good times.

There was Bonny, this cute little mutt who was found digging for food on pile of garbage before she was rescued and taken to the shelter. Her mix-breed appearance and the fact that she’s not a baby puppy anymore make it less easy for us to find her a sincere and loving family who would take her home and accept her and love her for who she is – a gentle, sweet, calm, loving dog.

Bonny was just one among so many other examples where people still prefer to adopt stray golden retreivers, stray labradors, stray chihuahuas, and other pure breeds compare to these mutts. I have nothing against people having their own personal taste – specifically in terms of adopting strays. But the differences in numbers are just too overwhelming between the success rates of mutts being adopted compare to pure-breeds being adopted. We even have people who contacted us saying that they wanted to be informed when a specific breed is available for adoption. As if being a mutt – being different than what society prefers as a standard of beauty – is a sin.

Little Red Z In Memory

Barefoot_In_The_Car_by_Artistic_Feet

It’s been raining almost all day, since i woke up this morning. Okay, maybe ‘morning’ isn’t the correct time – more like ‘somewhere between morning and noon’. That’s one of the good thing that you can do when you’re not bound by a contract to get up, start work, and end work at a certain predetermined time – you can wake up whenever you want to. Okay, what I meant was, you can wake up whenever the dogs want you to. Coz by the time they decided it’s time, you can never out-sleep the noise they intentionally make by scratching and kicking your bedroom door, barking at your bedroom door, and –yes, you’ll read this correctly– one of them peeing at your bedroom door. And I still open my bedroom and kiss those little rascals, everyday, every time.

It’s still raining. The boys are taking their naps. The house is quiet. I’m having flashbacks of me in a little red car with a Z license plate.

It’s Been a While, While The Dogs Made It All Worthwhile..

Whooaaa….any of you miss me much?

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?? Let’s see what have we missed since my last appearance in the blogesphere..

1.  I had my birthday! Yaayy…I’m twenty-eight years young!

2.  Moshi has been losing weight. I’m a proud mama when I say that my boy now has a definite waist line.

3.  My dad let me use his old laptop. It’s not new, but it has a big wide screen…an upgrade from my old small 10-inch screen notebook.

4.  Had more than my shares of arguments with mom. Well..what else is new??

lalalala….. Out of all the things happened big or small, I’m happy to say that there’s one thing I’m most happy about.