Have u ever had fleeting thoughts about what would happen if you no longer have that one person you love in your life? Amidst moments of bliss and smiles and suddenly it flashes in front of your eyes the emptyness that could be.
I have those split-second episodes sometimes. Like when you know with every cell of your being that what you’re having right now is the best thing ever, the best feeling ever, the best person ever…and then there it is — for a split-second, like hearing a pin drop in a silent room — “what if I lose all this?”
And as soon as that notion hit you, you start to shake. You can feel the tremor running through your spine. That feeling of helplessness, of utter loss, longing, and missing start to flow through your veins like poisonous venom…paralyzing you with fear. Have you ever felt that? Or maybe it’s just me.
I’m not saying that I go around with pain-painted bubble over my head all the time, but I just feel like there’s always that tiny microscopic chance that love can break apart even for the strongest, most stable relationships. And I find myself wondering — even for just a split-second — what would happen if it happens to me? How would I deal with it? How many days would it take to get dehydrated from excessive tear-glans production? How would I spend my sleepless nights? How sad would it be to miss someone and no longer be able to say it to that person?
I have realized that I don’t know how to respond the normal question of “So what’s your plan?” Because I don’t have the answer. I always thought — and answered — that I live for now. I live each day as it comes and the only planning I’m willing to do only goes as far as next weekend. I guess the reason is because I don’t wanna deal with the thought of such possibility about losing someone. I don’t wanna deal with it in such a frontal way. But not wanting to deal with it doesn’t mean it goes away. Subconsciously the thought has manifested itself through split-second episodes in the back of my head. And they show themselves unannounced, and uninvited. Internal Boogyman.
Strange. At the same time I deny thinking and planning of what might happen, I’m also an over-thinker. Maybe Boogyman comes knocking because underneath it all I’m trying to prepare myself for the worst by overly thinking and analyzing all aspects, outcomes, actions, reactions, risks, and results that might happen.
I have said to myself, “We’ll cross that bridge when we get there”. And I have also said to myself, “Make sure you have an airbag before you crash”. Either way, it doesn’t take the scare away. But I feel it my gut — not only in my heart — that as scary as it was, as scary as it is and as it will be, I have no regret. I might crash and burn. But I’ll know I have lived. Coz loving you is life.