If I’d Been Braver, I Would’ve Cried


I know I should be working. Or at least pretending that I’m working… But I keep thinking about a dear friend of mine. And in connection to the post I wrote last night about the whole stiletto boots thing, I felt like writing about her and it’s okay for her to like nice shoes, and it’s okay for her to feel upset over not wearing them. And that just because we like nice shoes, doesn’t mean we’re oh so vain.

My girl, I knew she had been dealing with a lot of serious health problems. She started having back pain on the back side of her waist around one year ago. Having then being diagnosed with a spinal fracture and her spinal nerves abnormally pressed between her vertebrae, she started to feel the impact they had on her daily life.

She was one of the funnest people I’ve ever known. I met her almost 6 years ago when I had my first office job, straight out of college. And instantly I felt that she was one of us. Our species. She’s my bitch, and i mean that in the most endearing way possible. She was strong, she was determined, she wasn’t roughly opinionated but she never let anyone told her anything she disapprove of. She stood her ground when needs be, and compassionate enough to compromise if situations required it. She was all that. And still is.

She told me that she had to start wearing flat shoes because the pressure from her feet would be dangerous to her already fractured spine. Maybe people will think “Okay so? It’s just shoes..?”. But I know it was more than shoes. It was a symbol of a part of herself that she needed to let go, without her own consent. And letting go when you’re not ready always sucks.

As time progressed, her condition did to. Despite doing all what the doctors ordered, she knew she couldn’t escape surgery — along with the heavy list of risks that followed surgery. For the rest of us who have been through medical situations before, or at least being there when our closest ones went through theirs, we know how tiring, spirit-consuming, and financially-draining it could get.

The surgery fixed her spine, but left her foot numb and too weak to walk on, and her heart broken. I’m not gonna sit here and say all those typical hallmark-greeting-card-phrases. That she should “be strong and grateful” because her spine is no longer fractured instead of whine about her weak foot that made her have to wear braces to walk, because “there are other people who are less fortunate”…???? Hell no.

I told her what a bitch should always tell another bitch. Scream. Curse. Vent. Cry the moment you feel it! “…and I’m beside you, doing it together”. Remember, only the brave has the courage to cry. Grieve has a cycle. I want her to fully grieve without the need to put on that Strong-mask for people to see. It’s okay to not be strong once in a while. It’s okay to not be okay. There will be time for her to wake up one day and see the sun shining again. But if it’s still cloudy at the moment, there’s nothing wrong with staying in and just snuggle under blanket, listening to the rain falling, and tearing.

“If I’d been braver, I would’ve cried”. ~Rosie O’Donnell

~ by CuppySkully on February 1, 2011.

4 Responses to “If I’d Been Braver, I Would’ve Cried”

  1. Wow, this is beautiful! I think you gave great advice. We all have to feel the grief sometimes…if you force yourself to hold it back, you’ll never deal with the pain and will never recover. I really enjoyed this – thanks for sharing it with me!

  2. love how you put it into words, sometimes your diction tickles me.. i really enjoy your story-telling kinda way..

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